Stoke Gabriel Cricket Club

Chagford 1st XI vs Stoke Gabriel 1st XI - 14/06/08 - Away - Francis Clark Devon Cricket League - C Division

Stoke rolled into East Devon on the back of a crushing victory 7 days ago at home to Tiverton & Bickleigh, and, having named the same line up for the 3rd consecutive weekend, Skeletor was confident his side had turned the corner following an indifferent few weeks. Indeed It was a testiment to Robbo's character that he played at all following minor surgery on his bunions.

Chagford, without a victory this term were delighted to insert their visitors, who, on paper, have potentially the strongest batting lineup in the division - however, once again, the groundsman failed to prepare a foolscap wicket to greet them.

Chagford's modest seam attack of former Ashburton medium pacers Gordan Colwill and Duncan Christophers started brightly, extracting swing and bounce from a rock hard dancefloor, with Steve Tolley and Mark Newman battling to withstand the opening onslaught. The pair scratched about like a dog with eczema until the Mattress uncharacteristically snicked one behind without scoring to Lord off Christophers, soon to be followed by Monkey, caught in the slips for 10, as Stoke dipped to 32-2.

Silence descended over the arena. Birds stopped singing. Children stopped playing. And then it started, gently at first, but escalating to high volume, Wagner's Ride of the Valkyries echoed around the auditorium as the skipper strode purposefully down the steps and onto the battlefield - arms flailing, his trusty blade glinting in the mid-day sun, with barely a rustle from his brocade whites as he took guard, before drawing heavily on his faithful cheroot.

Together with Tom Tom Baker, the pair looked to weather the storm - Tom Tom, with patience belying his youth, and Robbo calculatingly solid, in between goblets of Cognac. However, the duo's comfort was deceptive, and they were soon back on the touchline contemplating their innings, having both made just 7, as Stoke wobbled to 54-4.

The much maligned Alex Hill, his french polished nails glinting erotically, was joined by Dave Bolland - promoted following some impressive performances on the half-pipe - and, with some exemplary cover drives, the pair again looked well set until Money Shot was harshly fingered for 9, and Tony Hawk stumped by Lord after an uncharacteristic kick-turn on his board down the track.

The former Dawlish and Teignmouth pair Jamie Day and Bill Alcock spent much of last season trying to salvage something from desperate situations, and, at 71-6, Robbo demanded something of the same from his position in the Drawing Room, but again, both fell cheaply - The Fish stumped by Lord for 3, and Doris well short of the goal line with just 4, when attempting a perilous single.

Adam Castle and Nick Sandbrook, with 17 overs remaining, and sinking fast at 80-6, were now sailing the treacherous seas as Jeremy Christophers (3-24) - resplendent in powder pink whites - pinned down the Readers Wives' Road End, with his left arm medium pace. Sandy, with some pugnacious blows, and Clopper, with his crabbing net operational from the rock pools at square leg, managed to tread water past the 100 mark, until Sandy chanced his arm one time too many, playing on to Christophers for 18, before Clopper was the last man out, LBW to Colwill for 6, as Stoke closed on 109 all out.

Robbo was apoplectic. Not least because his Butler hadn't pressed his cravat satisfactorilly, but, there was a somewhat delusional feeling in the camp that Chagford's batting lineup may even be more fragile than Stoke's, and, with the track still offering something for the seamers, he urged his side to start well. And for once this season, they responded.

Sandy trapped former West Indies A star Prakesh Joshi, caught magnificently by Doris in the gully for just 4, and with Mark Jackson bowling superbly up the hill, there seemed to be a glimmer of hope of an unlikely victory. Former Bovey Tracey batsman Colin Mortimore remained defiant though, and with Sandy withdrawn after an unfortuatous spell, Robbo introduced Tony Hawk and Clopper.

Chagford's a historical bustling market town of 1500 people, nestling on the slopes of Dartmoor, and no sooner had local entrepreneur Clopper Castle wound down the awnings of his bric-a-brac stall from the RW End, then Rowlands had blown his pocket money, edging a fruit fancy behind to the diligant Fish for 25.

Robbo's tactical majesty began to unwind - Clopper was withdrawn to return up the slope, allowing Doris to ease down the hill, as Stoke began to make inroads into the Chagford middle order, knowing that the removal of the dogged Mortimore would surely snatch the win.

Doris, bowling with accuracy and pace removed the Christophers brothers cheaply, and with Tony Hawk nicking out Patterson in between, Chagford nosedived to 64-5, soon to be 68-6 as Clopper trapped the hapless Niven at cow corner - the swirling voilavont brilliantly taken by Aussie Wacko Jacko.

Mortimore, his silver mane bobbing on his shoulders, knew the result of the match rested with him, and with Boss Hog circumnavigating the boundary, purveying his Urine Based Pineapple Moonshine to the tense home crowd, Robbo moved in for the kill.

Sandy returned down hill to remove Colwill, aided and abetted again by Doris, donning the gloves for the injured Fish, and at 108-7, nails were bitten to the quick - Stoke needed just one chance, and it soon came.

Mortimore, fast running out of partners, tried to end the proceedings early with an almighty heave, and as the ball spiralled skywards, the Stoke fielders parted across the pitch in avoidance of the descending object, apart from the unfortunate Money Shot, who, with the confidence of a turkey on the 1st December, fumbled the hot potato to hand Chagford a deserved win. The sound of banjos and the burning of wicker effigies crackled around the village.

A disgraceful performance from a Stoke side lacking concentration and perseverance, and, with the season almost at the halfway mark, their faithful supporters are looking down, rather than up, as their slide towards the wastelands of D Division cricket continues.

Next Saturday, Robbo again leads his army into East Devon at Seaton (left at Okehampton, Tom Tom), knowing failure to bring home a victory may see an early end to his tenure at the top of South Hams' cricket.

Pimms Moment (s): Alex "Money Shot" Hill's fielding display - a clutch of "Crab in Handcuffs" dives, culminating in spilling "Mortimore's Comet" at Mid On.

Too Many Magner's Moment: Steve "Mattress" Tolley being driven to a laybay to relieve his over inflated scrumpy filled bladder en-route.

Reader's Wives Moment: THOSE shoes.